Vissi d'arte

from lullaby to requiem

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I slipped!!! part2...

Ok so, my brother is gone - I have like 20 mins to write this so...

I was on my way home and I was recalling what I did in class. Particularly in my 2nd class. I entered the room and the previous class had forgotten to erase the board so I asked a female stufent to erase it. I went back to the department to get my index cards and stuff, but when I returned, she had still not erased it for some reason. So HE volunteered to clean the board up for me - sighhhhhhhhhhhhh... wait, I can't see, my eyes momentarily turned into little hearts...

But anyway, he was ssssssoooooooooo cute... kagigil!! hihihi! *blush I don't think I've had a crush for a really long time, but anyway... In one of the examples, I think it had something to do with ... oooohhh, Raul Rudd is on friends... cute! Paul Rudd nga ba - basta the guy from Clueless... I forgot which example we were discussing basta I was comparing him to my friends (Atoy in particular) cute, and well dressed, and good-looking but really gay! hihihi! I called him by the wrong name and some people pointed that out - so I said.. "No not boy-whom-I-called-incorrectly, I meant boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart... Basta Pogi and Cute, but..." or something to that effect. I didn't realize I called him cute in class!!! WAAAAAAAA!!! Thank God no one noticed - at least I don't think anyone did... Anyway, I think I'm playing these up too much, paranoid, but hey...

I'll post some more stuff later - DINNER TIME!!! ^_^

I slipped!!!

Today was another comm3 day - translation: I got to see the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart (who, from this point on we will call HIM - it's much easier to type than the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart)!!! Anyway, I was feeling a little chipper than normal today (I went by my fav donut shop - and waited for it to open - just as I arrived in school), and I decided to do my hair like Oprah. Hers is much more volumey, and fuller, but it has almost the same effect.

So anyway, my first class was fabulous - as always, except they keep bringing frogs into class (in a plastic container, but still icky because I still know it's there). We were discussing Self-Concept and Self-Esteem, and Intrapersonal comm - somehow, my examples often included my dear gay friends... But anyway....

I didn't realize this until I was leisurely enjoying the uncharacteristically cold aircon in my FX on the way home, but I SLIPPED in class!!! I didn't literally slip, but, well... let's just say Freud has everything to do with it! Damn psychoses and neuroses! Wait... my booger brother is home! Continue later, To be... yuck, Yoda talk....

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Chatting and more....

Well, right now, I am with Patrick and Darcy - I had a day off (Wednesdays are university breaks, so most Basic Ed Classes - ei. Comm1, Comm3, etc - don't have classes! WEEE!!!). Darcy is UNEMPLOYED, and Patrick also has Wednesdays off, so we went out...

We got to chatting about love and relationships, and it's really weird that Darcy is looking through my blog as I type this... Patrick is, of course, busy with looking at different cute boys via, and Darcy is chatting on mIRC... neither really interest me, I get bored looking at how horny and gorgeous everyone is - all the while - I AM SINGLE!!!

I guess, there's really not much space in cyberspace for queers like me. Everyone's looking for cute bis who look straight, and everyone's trying to trying to look straight - mga ipokrito!!! Anyway... whatever makes their lives more interesting, I really have no say... I have a theory though - I'm not sure if I've written about this, but what the hey...

Darcy got to discussing role-playing in relationships, and he pointed out that in highschool, all of us played the Anima card - the female role. In highschool, for the lack of the biologically female specimens, boys would go to the gays - some went as far as fall in love with some of us (excluding me, of course). We got to the conclusion that highschool was fun, but it doesn't really count... Anyway, when we got out of highschool, we had to face the real gay world. Gays want to go out with straight acting gays, and vice-versa - there is VERY little place for effems.

I had a rather rude awakening to this reality by my acquaintance of a beautiful, charming (albeit self-involved and selfish) boy. He was perfect - almost. I mean, he was sweet at times; very funny; incredibly smart; and also incredibly flirty (with other boys). I loved him, and he knew (and knows) it.

We laughed together, we had fun together, I cared for him deeply, he barely noticed I existed. I'm not saying that he didn't really care for me, I like to think that he values me (somehow, I saw it - although very seldomly). There was a time when I think we liked each other more then we usually did - of course if he reads this, I know for sure he would disagree.

Anyway, we got into several quarrels, because I am relentless and he, unfeeling. I wanted to be his only care, and he wanted himself to be his only care. I remember a very graphic memory - me jumping, and skipping like a girl in love when I found that he was in love with someone and that someone had given him a dose of my own medicine. Of course, I was being a little bit vindictive, but hey - I invested more than a year loving him and being ignored, so I felt I was entitled to gloat, at least a little bit.

He was (and is) like most of the crowd you see in popular gay destinations - Malate and others. Straight acting, but cock-wanting... I apologize for my vulgarity, but these people really piss me off. Labeling yourself bi and in fact being gay isn't really my idea of a sexual preference... I just think these people are deceiving each other, and I'm not really big into deception.

Of course, I'm also pissed because in the old days, life was much simpler. Bis didn't exist, semi-straight men could go out and fall for effems. Of course, I'm being too idealistic. I know today that love does not exist for people like me - to the harsh objections of Darcy. He says that I'm deceiving myself because I don't believe in love, but deep inside, I still want it.

Truth is, I really don't know if it's worth wanting. Of course, I still wake up everyday with some hope, nevermind how little that hope is, that love will deliver itself unto my doorstep - my life's much more fun and dramatic that way. Contradicting and Confusing - drama, drama, drama...

Anyway, in my opinion, relationships without roles cannot exist! Someone will have to play the animus and the anima - the male and the female role. I'll post more of this theory soon because I have to go home na!! I'm in a shop in Mendiola with Darcy and Patrick, and my mom just called to make me go home. So much for independence!!!

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Ay PUKE!!!!

Immortal words, uttered by the immortal Goddess formerly known as Mikee when he/she/it fell of the platform while lecturing on the characteristics of Verbal Language and the correct enunciation of English words...

It's a good thing my students are not exactly like me. If it were I sitting in the front row when my teacher had fallen from the platform, I would have burst out in LARGE AMOUNTS OF LAUGHTER, and I wouldn't have stopped until classes were over... Even then, I would tell all my friends, and recount how my teacher said (loudly) Ay puke! in front of the class when he "fell off the platform..."

*blush... to add lots of insult to an almost-serious-but-thank-God-I-have-great-balance injury, the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart was sitting in the second row, grinning evilly as the rest of the class tried to muffle their giggles. Of course, to try to save face, I immediately countered with a reminder to my speech class: "When you're giving a speech, try to look at the platform to avoid falling!" Of course, that only made them laugh harder. /sob

Anyway, I just posted Bette's I'm Beautiful because I'm too tired to type - not really, I'm too lazy to type and thinking of the TONS AND TONS of papers that need to be graded makes me want to burn all them and give everyone a 1.0!!! Ang bait ko no?? Hihihi!!! But to hell with all those papers, it's the weekend, and I am entitled to my personal time! >=)

Moving on, the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart.... he's ADORABLE!!!!!!! Of course, he's also my student, and if someone from the University reads this blog: I am dead meat! Well, not really, I haven't done anything - I don't even look at him when I'm discussing something in class because he makes me blush... *blush - something I never knew I could do. So you could imagine my delight (delight is too sinister a word... excitement? too sexy, enchantment! that seems to capture it - ok fine, it wasn't so much enchantment as much as it was just plain kilig) when I threw a one-on-one pronunciation quiz. I was sitting at the back of the room and calling my students one at a time to pick five words from a little box and pronounce them to me.

I called the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart last because his index card was at the bottom of the pile. Yes, I ask my students to sumbit index cards with pictures (and their favorite movie line) so I know who they are (and what they're like). (the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart's favorite movie line is from an intense drama movie, which I haven't seen. Suffice it to say that Maria Callas' very rare rendition of Non mi dir from Mozart's The Marriage of Figaro was part of it's soundtrack. And I think his picture was taken when he was still in highschool!!! Which is odd because he's already a college sophomore. Does that mean he hasn't had his picture taken since highschool???) Where was I?? I forget... Oh, right, the pronunciation quiz.

I called him last because his index card was at the bottom of the stack, it was just plain coincidence but apparently, some of his classmates read something into it. As he took the chair I had set in front of me, I noticed a couple of things. First: This boy needs to have his eyebrows waxed or shaved or plucked, or all three. He is seriously just a few hairs away from a unibrow!!! Next, he has a nice voice. It's pretty deep for a boy his age, well, it's not really that deep, but it suits him. And at least he's not squeaky! Next, he is really thin! Not exactly skin and bones, but thin enough to need a few extra calories in his diet. Then, I saw his hands were shaking! I mean, throughout the quiz, several other students' hands were also shaking, but so were their voices. They were nervous about sitting in front of a teacher and having to talk to me for a few minutes while pronouncing words like Haute Couture, genuine, consequently, subsequently, guitarist, etc. This boy, however was adamant. He was in no way nervous - at least I didn't see any signs of nervousness (ei. shakey voice, sweaty palms, etc). I asked him why he was shaking, and he actually talked to me about pasma and how doctors don't really believe in pasma. I remembered during his first introduce-yourself-impromptu-speech that he wanted to be a doctor, so I told him that he couldn't be a surgeon anymore (because he has shakey hands). So he said he didn't really want to go into surgery, that he was planning to take-up internal medicine anyway. I didn't continue our conversation at that point because I was afraid that the already suspecting class would read anything more into our talks. Well, that and I really did not want to talk about INTERNAL medicine - ewww! (hihi! pano kaya si Randy??)

Anyway, after the quiz, I threw a game of charades (because we were going to discuss Non-Verbal Communication next) with movies as our category. His group volunteered him to act for them and he picked Rasputin as his movie. He was obviously at a loss, and kept jumping and acting weirdly at one corner of the platform, pointing to his metal chain (that probably held his wallet), while I was giggling in the other corner. I remember Herbert acting out that movie: 1st syllable, sounds like, *Herby making kamot his arm = rash = Rasputin. The-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart was pointing to his chain because of rust! hihihi!!!

When the game was over and the other team had one, the class decided to continue the charades, and because WE were in no state for learning, I agreed. I called on him again, and the class howled with yeeeheees and stuff. Of course, I was a bit defensive. But, come to think of it, I didn't really make an effort to scold the class (I was, afterall their teacher, and should be respected... even if I did fall off the platform), mostly, I just ignored their catcalls... ^_^ Anyway, I dismissed the class after a few more movies, and nothing else happened.

Of course, the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart isn't my only cute student. There's the-boy-much-bigger-than-any-of-his-classmates-but-also-much-too-immature, and then there's Chinese-boy-with-a-cute-name-and-speaks-horrid-English. They're freshies, or at least one of them is, I forgot na. But there's something about the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart, he's not just cute, he's full of himself, very confident, arrogant even. He also seems very determined to make it into Med School. But there is this one annoying thing about him... He reminds me too much of someone-who-I-fell-for-in-College... that and his body type is exactly like the boy-with-icky-viral-sties-and-squeaky-voice on whom I had a huge crush in highschool.

Anyway, what's special about the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart is that he makes it seem that he genuinely listens to me, and thinks I my opinions count - unlike someone-who-I-fell-for-in-College and the boy-with-icky-viral-sties-and-squeaky-voice who both barely noticed I existed. But then, the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart has no choice but to listen to me, if he doesn't , he'll probably fail.

If anyone is wondering if I'm thinking of going on a power trip to MAKE the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart like me more than just as his teacher, then you are INCREDIBLY and ICKY-LY (is that even a word?) mistaken. I am not that kind of person!!! I recognize that I like the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart, but I WILL NOT overstep my boundaries as an educator. I am his teacher, and that is it... My career, afterall, is much more important than any boy I know (except maybe Prince William or Daniel Radcliffe, for whom I would GLADLY leave my job, my country, my family, my friends, my all!). Of course, that doesn't stop me from looking forward to teaching my speech classes (not just because of the-boy-who-reminds-me-I-have-a-heart, but also because I sincerely enjoy teaching speech), and from being extra careful with the platforms upon which I practice my noble profession. ^_^

My Cosmetic Fabulosophy:

*adapted from Bette Midler's I'm Beautiful (yuck, baka kasuhan ako ng plagiarism!!)

That’s it, baby! when you got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!"
This is the divine Miss M (Mikee?) and I’m here to share with you some rare and stimulating insights into my cosmetic fabulosophy. It’s really very simple. I simply believe with all my heart:

I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, dammit!
I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, dammit!
I’m beautiful, so beautiful, I’m beautiful, dammit!
I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, dammit!
"Go away, little girl," they used to say. "Hey, you’re too fat, baby, you can’t play."

"Hold on, Miss thing, what you trying to do? You know you’re too whack to be in our school."

Too wack, too smart, too fast, too fine,
Too loud, too tough, too too divine.
I said you don’t belong. You don’t belong.
Too loud, too big, too much to bear,
Too bold, too brash, too prone to swear.
I heard that song for much too long.

Ain’t this my sun? Ain’t this my moon? Ain’t this my world to be who I choose?
Ain’t this my song? Ain’t this my movie? Ain’t this my world? I know I can do it.

I’m not too short, I’m not too tall, I’m not too big, I’m not too small.
Ooh, don’t lemme start lovin’ myself! Ooh, don’t lemme start lovin’ myself!
I’m not too white, I’m not too black, I’m not too this, I’m not too that.
Ooh, don’t lemme start lovin’ myself! Ooh, don’t lemme start lovin’ myself!

I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, dammit!
I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, dammit!

It’s time to call it what it is, don’t play the naming game.
Become what you were born to be and be it unashamed.

"Go away, little boy," I can hear them say, "everybody on the block says they think you’re gay.
"Hold on, my friend, do you think we’re blind? Take a look at yourself. You’re not our kind."

Too black, too white, too short, too tall, Too blue, too green, too red, too small.
I said you don’t belong. You don’t belong.
Too black, too white, too short, too tall, Too blue, too green, too red, too small.
I heard that song for much to long.

Ain’t this my sun? Ain’t this my moon? Ain’t this my world to be who I choose?
Ain’t this my song? ain’t this my movie? Ain’t this my world? I know I can do it.

People always ask me, "Miss M, how did you get so far? (On so little?)" "Shut up!"
Well, I woke up one morning, flossed my teeth and decided, "Damn, I’m fierce!" You look good!
You can be just like me! (a Goddess?) Yeah!
Don’t just pussy foot around and sit on your ASSets.
Unleash your ferocity upon an unsuspecting world.
Rise up and repeat after me: "I’m beautiful!"

I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful! Can you say that?
I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful!
I don’t hear you!
I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful!
I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful, I’m beautiful!

That’s it, baby, when you got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

Ain’t this my sun? (my sun!) Ain’t this my moon? (my moon!)
Ain’t this my world to be who I choose?
Ain’t this our song? (ain’t this our song?) Ain’t this our movie? (ain’t this our movie?)
Ain’t this our world to be who we choose?

I’m not too short, I’m not too tall, I’m not too big, I’m not too small.
Ooh, don’t lemme start lovin’ myself! Ooh, don’t lemme start lovin’ myself!
I’m not too white, I’m not too black, I’m not too this, I’m not too that.
Ooh, don’t lemme start lovin’ myself! Ooh, don’t lemme start lovin’ myself!
I’m beautiful, dammit!

Bette Midler - I’m Beautiful Lyrics

~ And with that... I'm Beautiful! Dammit!!!